I never questioned whether to write this, but I’ve certainly questioned whether to post it.
But it is World Diabetes Day. I guess, a perfect day to open up a little…
It’s not something I do often. I’m not writing it to get sympathy. I’m not writing it for pity. I’m not doing it to make it look like I’m the only one with something to deal with. I’m writing this as I know there are soooo many other people out there who are trying to surf the same waves I am. And quite frankly sometimes really struggling.
Diabetes.
One word. One condition. One lifetime. One pain in the….
I’m trying not to be negative, as that’s not me. I always try to be positive, I always try to see that there are worse things that I could have, which undoubtly I know. I always try to be grateful that I only have Diabetes and can still live a relatively normal lifestyle. But I feel, sometimes it’s important to appreciate, acknowledge and accept that in fact, it’s hard. It’s relentless, non stop and seriously unforgiving.
More often than not us diabetics go through spells where our blood glucose levels are all over the place. I have certainly been riding that rollercoaster for the last little while. To be honest this whole year has been a diabetic adventure, but at times the last couple of weeks have seriously tested my patience. I’ve had some seriously stubborn high blood glucose levels, ones that copious amounts of insulin won’t budge. I felt that no matter what I do, nothing changes, they stay high until 2am in the morning when I wake up in a sweat and make a dart to the kitchen to find the closest source of sugar. Ah the joys.
People sometimes ask me how my control is, I more often than not tell them it’s fine. But do I lie with my answer of ‘fine’, I guess sometimes I do. Do I not admit that sometimes it’s actually utterly useless. No. Why though? Is it because I’m scared of judgement? Embarrassed as to what they might think of me and my control? I guess I don’t want people to think I’m failing and that I can’t look after myself.
If I do admit my struggles, it’s generally only to those that are really close to me and see it day in day out. Again, why? Maybe it’s because I know they certainly won’t judge me. Yes I am the one with diabetes, but those closest to me also experience the highs and and lows I have. They hear me moan when my bloods are high, they bring me sugar when I am low. Their support is unconditional and for that, I am forever grateful.
Admittedly, at times, I’m my own worst enemy. Just sometimes it feels like nothing I do is right. I criticise myself for not having ‘perfect’ blood glucose levels. I find it really really hard to let go and simply relax. There isn’t a minute that goes by that I don’t try my absolute hardest to control the condition. I suppose I could be described as a pro due to the length of time I’ve dealt with it, but some days that is far from the truth. I would say some days I feel just like a rookie. Somedays it’s all just an experiment, with no right answer as tomorrow it could be different, again. Now that’s hard.
One thing I do know and have come to realise more so recently is the more fellow diabetics I speak to about some struggles the more I realise I am not alone. They too go through days/weeks the way i’ve been feeling recently. The more we talk, the better we feel. It’s the same with anything. It’s amazing how talking about something can instantly release some weight off the shoulders.
Maybe Diabetes Awareness month was a perfect time to just have a little rant and get some of these thoughts off my chest. Put them out into the world and let others know they are not alone. As a Diabetic community, we all try and be so positive, but I’m beginning to think it’s also important to voice the struggles. Let people know the hard times and the battles we can face every minute, of every hour, of every day.
Don’t get me wrong, some days are great. And trust me, I try to fully appreciate these days, because in actual fact, I know at times how rare they can be.
I know I always try and be positive about it, as that’s just my nature, but I think its more the fact I just don’t want to admit when times are hard. But have I just made significant progress by fully appreciating things can be and have been hard recently? Maybe, just maybe.
Sometimes, somedays Diabetes just feels like trying to sweep up leaves in the wind.
Do I ever give up? No.
Do I try again tomorrow? Yes.
